Preseason

Wooooooooooooooooooooooo! Football! Footbawwl!! Aright! Summer is over and I couldn’t be happier. Starting next week Sundays are vaulted from the depths of hungover, cigarette-stankin’ misery, to the absolute pinnacle of human existence. There is NOTHING better than splashing a couple of cold ones on top of football Sunday jitters with a few friends. Monday morning couldn’t be any less meaningful. Fuck you corporate America, I’m watching the Packers kick ass! Here’s what I’m excited about and what I don’t care about:

What I’m excited about:

Jared Cook: He’s big, fast, and ugly. Exactly the kind of guy you want playing tight end for you. Sure, he’s never had more than 759 yards or 5 touchdowns in a season, but he’s also never had a quarterback better than Sam Bradford in his rookie year. Think about how motivated this guy is going to be; finally playing for a contender, with a god under center, after seven straight years of losing. Jared is going to have himself something to eat in the red zone. He’s going to need at least four side dishes and he may very well go back for thirds. If he stays healthy he’s setting career highs for yards and touchdowns. That’s just a thing that’s going to happen. You can see the excitement on Rodgers’ face when Cook is out there making catches. If these two can click right off the bat, we may see some big things.

Healthy Offensive Line: Bak is back, Bulaga is back, Lang is back, Linsley and Tretter are interchangeable, and Sitton is Sitton. I’ve said it a thousand times, but continuity on the offensive line is one of the most critical factors in the success of any football team. Obviously I don’t really know which teams have good offensive lines, but I’m sure our line has a chance to be among the best this year. It’s a talented, experienced unit that knows the offense well. I mean you tell me what’ll happen if Rodgers has time in the pocket. Are you kiddin me?™

What I don’t care about:

Jeff Janis: We’re talking about a guy with 11 career catches over two seasons, seven of which came in a single, weird game. We’re talking about a guy with a 16.7% catch rate during the 2015 regular season. That’s two catches on 12 targets. We’re talking about a guy who will, AT BEST, be the number five receiver on this roster and therefore insignificant from an offensive perspective. If he makes the team, it will be exclusively for his special teams contributions (which are admittedly admirable). He’s a non-factor on offense and I’m so tired of idiots droning on about how he deserves a chance. Really? If you’re going to question something, at least make it play calling so you might actually have a leg to stand on. Although I’m certain you’d still be wrong.

Punters: I mean fine, I get it, punting is important. But a certain point it’s just like, look, either this guy is gonna be the punter, or that guy is gonna be the punter. Either way nobody gives a shit about a punter. If you’re a punter you’re an embarrassment. The best you can do is to be the least noticeable embarrassment on the team. So do I give a shit what number you wear? Or what college you went to? Or what your name is? Obviously not. This is all time and energy spent discussing fucking punters that could have been spent on actual players. Shame on you eccentric little weirdos for somehow slithering into the spotlight. It’s time to skitter back to the cage Bill Parcels keeps you in as a part of his depraved carnival of sodomy and self-loathing.

Vegas has the Packers favored to win each and every game this year. Last I checked the line on total wins was at 11, higher than any other team in the league. Our only competition in the NFC North just lost their starting quarterback, Calvin Johnson retired, and Jay Cutler still plays for the Bears. Jordy Nelson is back, Eddie Lacy is fit, Clay Matthews is back at outside linebacker, and Aaron Rodgers is still under center. As usual, we have as a good a chance as any team to win the Superbowl. This year is gonna kick fucking ass and I can’t wait to watch these games with friends.

**BONUS QUOTE OF THE WEEK**

‘The era of political revolutions is over, and where such still occur they do not alter in the least the bases of the capitalist social order. On the one hand it becomes constantly clearer that bourgeois democracy is so degenerate that it is no longer capable of offering effective resistance to the threat of Fascism. On the other hand political Socialism has lost itself so completely in the dry channels of bourgeois politics that it no longer has any sympathy with the genuinely Socialistic education of the masses and never rises above advocacy of petty reforms. But the development of capitalism and the modern big state have brought us today to a situation where we are driving on under full sail toward a universal catastrophe…It, therefore, concerns us today to reconstruct the economic life of the peoples from the ground up and build it up anew in the spirit of Socialism. But only the producers themselves are fitted for this task, since they are the only value creating element in society out of which a new future can arise. Theirs must be the task of freeing labor from all the fetters which economic exploitation has fastened on it, of freeing society from all the institutions and procedure of political power, and of opening the way to an alliance of free groups of men and women based on cooperative labor and a planned administration of things in the interest of the community. To prepare the toiling masses in city and country for this objective of modern Anarcho-Syndicalism, and in this its whole purpose is exhausted.’

             -      Rudolf Rocker

**BONUS PHOTO OF ME AND MY WIFE FROM OUR WEDDING LAST WEEK** (photo cred to Big P)