Week Three in Review

How’s that for responding to success? I would liken it to my own admirable response to successful domination of the blogosphere. Take if from the Green Bay Packers and me, it’s tough to remain this consistent, this hungry, this humble in the face of all the accolades. The ten point final score differential doesn’t come close to painting an accurate picture of this ass-whoopin. Kansas City completed just two passes and did not convert a third down in the first half. Jamaal Charles had no success whatsoever outside of the red zone. Travis Kelce didn’t show his face until the game was out of hand. I genuinely felt bad for the Kansas City defenders trying to stop this juggernaut offense. We are an extremely well coached team with a deep, talented roster. If you don’t think Mike McCarthy is a good coach, and Ted Thompson is a great GM, then I have no time for you. That being said, we’re still in the first quarter of the regular season, so let’s temper the excitement a bit. There is no shortage of tough opponents ahead, and it starts this Sunday with the 49ers in San Francisco. McCarthy should have no trouble motivating the team for this matchup, all he needs to do is point out how much Colin “I’m Obviously a Muppet/Date Rapist” Kaepernick sucks against everyone except us. He is a shit QB and yet he consistently tears us apart. We’ve suffered some key losses to the 49ers recently, including in the postseason, so there is undoubtedly some pride on the line. I’m expecting a tough matchup, but looking forward to a Packers win to close out a perfect start to the year. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like from Monday night:

What I Liked:

Defensive Line: They looked like a pack of rabid animals out there. I mean god damn is Mike Daniels strong. He just tosses linemen out of the way like so many shipping containers at a Tianjian chemical warehouse explosion. I’m telling you guys there are like six people in the world that can consistently generate pressure up the middle, and Mike Daniels is one of ‘em. Did you hear Tirico talking about how he’s just a few credits away from a medical degree? And he can stuff the run? The guy is a rare find indeed. Daniels’ running mate BJ Raji is playing some absolutely inspired football. He’s finally showing passion and hunger to go along with his first-round talent, and I am loving every minute of it. He’s trending towards his first Pro Bowl berth since the magical 2010 run. Clearly Jayrone Elliot is among my millions of loyal readers, as he did indeed sprinkle in a few more tackles and even a sack yesterday. You gotta wonder if there might be something to this dude, I’m sure he’ll see his opportunities continue to increase. I guess that Pennel guy is alright too but shit, there’s only so many things I can pay attention to, alright?

Hitting: How ‘bout them hits we were putting on ‘em yesterday?! Clay Matthews obviously gets some sort of sexual thrill out of smashing people, and god bless him for it. His ferocity is genuinely unsettling and it was fun to see him coming off the edge a few times yesterday. The safeties had a couple of big pops, I believe it was Clinton-Dix that was flagged for what looked like a clean hit, but that’s the NFL these days. Damarious Randall did this (which reminded me of my favorite hit of all time). Nate Palmer deserves to be singled out for his tackling efforts, Joe Thomas (freshly promoted from the practice squad to replace Sam Barrington) laid down a couple of tasty licks, even Sammy Shields had himself a hit. I absolutely love the aggressive, angry style of football our defense is playing right now. If we can develop the kind of defense that opponents do not want to face…

Starting Wide Receiver Tandem: This duo of possession receivers executes their assignments flawlessly. Their route running is precise, their ability to gain yards after the catch is second to none, and their rapport with the quarterback is everything you want it to be. I am genuinely shocked at their ability to produce even after losing Jordy. Just when defensive coordinators thought they could safely double a receiver in this offense, James Jones shits all over them with four touchdowns in three games. Ted Thompson’s ability to draft and develop quality wide receivers is truly remarkable. It makes you wonder what Adams and Montgomery might have in store. Perhaps even bigger shits than what Jones and Cobb have already lain? I dare not speculate on such quixotic notions.

"Did you see that guy try and tackle me?"

Aaron Rodgers: How do you do it Aaron? How do you continue to knock my socks off each and every week? I mean how many different ways can you carve up a defense? Who do you think you are? Escaping the pocket in your own end zone, throwing five touchdowns on 9.5 yards per attempt, refusing to throw a pick at home for nearly three years, literally joking around during your pre-snap checks, it’s ridiculous. And those hard counts?! I’m tellin you. You just keep on keepin on you old Orange Bozo you. I ain’t mad at ya.

What I Didn’t Like:

I miss this guy.

Deep Threat: We have no deep threat right now. Seriously, think about that. Think about what a

huge part of our offense the deep pass has been during Aaron Rodgers’ reign. We attempted one deep pass during the game that did not occur on a free play, and the route sucked (see Jeff Janis below). It’s great that we’re having all of this success in the passing game, and it’s great that we’ve been able to adjust our scheme in the absence of Jordy Nelson, but it’s a must that we stretch the field on occasion. If we continue to rely solely on short and intermediate passes, defenses are eventually going to tighten down. Smart defensive coordinators will bring a safety into the box, press the wide receivers, shrink the passing lanes, and make life difficult for a team without a legitimate deep threat. The receivers have been great, but it just doesn’t look like Cobb and Jones are going to scare opposing defenses into keeping two safeties over the top. Let’s hope Davante can come back from this high ankle sprain and develop into that out-and-up/slant-and-go receiver that we need.

Jeff Janis: He’s the early favorite for ‘Player Most Likely to have his Balls Ripped Off by a Coach or Quarterback.’ Yeah he had two nice plays on special teams, but what the fuck was he doing on offense? I mean I understand why he was on the field, we’re thin at wide receiver, but what the fuck was he doing? On his early go route, he ran out of bounds. It’s probably fairly difficult to complete a pass to a wide receiver that has opted to run out of bounds. On the one catch he did make, he failed to get set before the snap, leading to a five yard penalty. Rodgers, sporting a look of unadulterated disgust, could be seen asking, ‘He wasn’t fucking set?!’ The guy lacks focus, and will quickly find himself unemployed if he doesn’t start doing the small things that every player is expected to do. Is he really more valuable than Myles White?

** Bonus Quote of the Week **

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

-          Ralph Waldo Emerson

** What was I Drinking **

Almond milk with cinnamon, ginger, turmeric, and honey. It was a long weekend.

Week Two in Review

This guy is like actually, for realsies starting at qb for the Bears

Well we are just two games into the season, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t the best start we could have hoped for. The Cowboys have lost Dez and Romo for a long time, Matthew Stafford continues to get worse every year, the Eagles are a mess, the Seahawks are 0-2, we’ve already won a divisional game, and the handsome gentleman to the right is starting at quarterback for the Bears. The fucking Vikings are our biggest competition right now, and they are awful. The defense most definitely rose to the challenge of a top tier running back, and Jimmy Graham (one of the most dangerous tight ends of all time as recently as last year) had one catch for 11 yards. The front seven was playing with some fire in their bellies, but responding to adversity has always been easy in the NFL. It’s responding to success that’s truly difficult for these guys, so let’s see how they respond to an uncharacteristically fast start. We’re the best team in the league right now, but again, it’s only week two. This was a quality win against a quality opponent, but there’s not a team on the planet that we aren’t SUPPOSED to beat at Lambeau. We did what we needed to do, now let’s go beat the shit out of Kansas City for ruining our 16-0 season. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

He's like a fat male Dee Reynolds

Special Teams: This was a much needed bounce-back game for our special teams units after last week’s penalty-laden cluster fuck. The penalties were cleaned up (I think completely), Masthay averaged over 46 yards per punt, both kick coverage units clamped down, and Crosby made some big kicks. Long field goal attempts are always huge plays in the game no matter what the outcome. Make it and you come away with points, miss it and you give your opponent great field position. Crosby’s 54 yarder in the first quarter was critical in my opinion, since we made it a two score game and didn’t squander excellent starting field position. If he misses that kick, the Seahawks take over at their own 40 yard line, instead we got three points and they started from their own 13 yard line on the ensuing kickoff. Mason’s two kicks in the second half from 44 and 21 yards were pretty clutch, and overall his 14 total points were the difference in the game. We didn’t get much of anything from the return game, but sure handed fair catches aren’t the worst thing in the world. Good job Ron Zook, now calm the fuck down on the sidelines you freak.

Jayrone Elliott: I gotta throw the young buck some love after the play of his life. He’s definitely a fringe player on this roster, and he only had one tackle, but his pick was the play of the game. It’s not all that often that you see a big man make a one-handed grab, and he even forced the fumble to ice the game on Seattle’s final drive. I’m sure Dom Capers would like to see him sprinkle in a few more tackles and maybe even a sack or two this year, but for this week he can say he belongs. Congratulations Jayrone!

Aaron Rodgers: He’s the best. He’s like Tom Brady but athletic. He’s like Russel Wilson but accurate. He’s like Charles Woodson but a quarterback. He’s like Tony Romo but good. He’s better than pizza. He should probably wear a cape. He throws a better deep ball than Brett Favre ever did. Was that a fourth quarter comeback? Oh I think it was. So maybe shut the fuck up all you, ‘Rodgers can’t engineer a comeback’ haters. You’re wrong, Aaron’s right, and I’m pretty sure we’d be great friends if someone would just get me his phone number.

What I Didn’t Like:

Yea right Dom

Read-Option Defense: You know, the play where they somehow always succeeded in isolating a single defender on the edge and forcing him to choose between the ball carrier and the trailing pitch option? You know, the play that kept fucking working so they ran it like a million times? I thought McCarthy said they had been working on defending that specific play. Why were they seemingly caught off guard time and again by a play call that my mother could have predicted? This is not Miami (OH) at Air Force, or Arrowhead at Rufus King for that matter, this is the NFL. There is no reason that the read-option should be consistently successful against any team in this league. Clean it up Capers, you and that rug are on thin ice!

Pass Rush: Okay it wasn’t horrible, we did have two sacks, but I wasn’t thrilled with it. It seems like we can’t get any pressure with our front four no matter who is on the field for us. Mike Daniels and Julius Peppers are seemingly the only two players capable of disrupting the pocket in a meaningful way. It’s great when a blitz gets home and puts the QB on his back, but it’s very much not great when a blitz doesn’t get home. That’s when big plays happen and games are lost. I’m hopeful that Letroy Guion can provide some kind of a spark in the front seven when he comes back. Plus Ron Zook is gonna blow a gasket if he doesn’t find a weed hook in Green Bay sometime soon. I’m thinking Letroy is his man.

** Bonus Quote of the Week **

“Men of courage, not satisfied with words, but ever searching for the means to transform them into action, men of integrity for whom the act is one with the idea, for whom prison, exile, and death are preferable to a life contrary to their principles, intrepid souls who know that it is necessary to dare in order to succeed, these are the lonely sentinels who enter the battle long before the masses are sufficiently roused to raise openly the banner of insurrection and to march, arms in hand, to the conquest of their rights.”

- Peter Kropotkin

** What Was I Drinking **

Paulaner Lager, Fernet, Malort, Rumpleminze, Russian River Consecration, Surly Furious, New Glarus Staghorn, and I’m pretty sure a couple cans of PBR.

** Extra Points **

• The injury to Eddie Lacy is not serious, he could return as early as Monday night this week.
• Jeff Janis has not played a single offensive snap this year. Not after losing our number one receiver, not after our number two receiver sprained his shoulder, not even after our number three receiver had to leave the game with a pulled muscle. What is this guy doing in practice that causes our coaching staff to so distrust him? We saw that he has the talent to compete in the preseason. I’m starting to think he must be either an idiot or an asshole.
• The Packers have placed Josh Boyd on injured reserve and promoted ILB Joe Thomas to the active roster from the practice squad.
• Myles White has been signed to the New York Giants practice squad.
• This is in poor taste...

Week One in Review

Life is better during football season. Sundays are no longer the days that should be great cuz we don’t have to do shit but actually suck because we have to go back to work in like, 16 hours. Sara actually accepts that I’m not doing anything on football Sundays. I won that battle years ago. What am I gonna do, dust some fucking shelves after nine beers? Please. Anyway Packers rule and the Bears still suck, obviously. Part of me was worried that all the talk about Cutler not beating the Packers and throwing critical interceptions and ruining the entire franchise might actually light a fire under his worthless ass, but that anxiety was misplaced. Cutler showed yet again that he just. does. not. give. a. shit. He’s just there for the massive paycheck and you know what? I don’t even blame him. I might do the same thing if I was him, I’m just glad he doesn’t play for my team. The Bears looked more disciplined than they have in recent years, and maybe John Fox can get this franchise turned around, but for now, the Bears are still our bitch. Thanks for two wins a year, losers. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

I mean, was he playing with his eyes closed?

Pass Blocking: The O-line put on an absolute clinic on Sunday. I thought I remembered Rodgers taking one hit, but the official stats list ZERO HITS ON THE QUARTERBACK. I’ll tell ya, the Bears’ front office really hit the nail on the head when they decided to swap Julius Peppers for Jared ‘jesus-christ-look-at-what-a-fucking-moron-I-am’ Allen last year. Aaron didn’t have huge production in terms of yardage, but he finished the game without a speck of dirt on that uniform. He could literally wear it next week without washing it. If my job was to rush the passer for the Chicago Bears, I would be embarrassed. This is the first year since the stud line of Clifton-Wahle-Flanagan-Rivera-Tauscher that the entire line returned for a second straight season. I think continuity on the offensive line is the most important factor at the second most important position group. Let’s hope these behemoths can stay together for years to come.

James Jones: I’ll admit that I was not in favor of signing Jones last week. It’s not that I don’t like him, he was always a productive receiver and seemingly a good dude. I just thought that we’d be better served in the long run to give the young bucks their chance to show they belong. That may still be the case, but I can’t argue with JJ’s production on Sunday. Two touchdowns in his triumphant return was awesome, and a third TD was wiped out by a bogus holding call. His presence allows Cobb to stay in the slot when we go three or four wide, and he showed everyone that he isn’t just lacing them up as a decoy. I can’t really figure out why he’s able to produce since he’s not that physically gifted. My latest theory is that his LaDuke-esque giraffe neck allows him to see over defenders (and possibly through the time-space continuum), but for now that’s just theory.

Offensive Play Calling: Everyone knew the off-the-field relationship between Aaron Rodgers and newly-minted play-caller Tom Clements was good, but they appear to be aligned on the field as well. This duo deserves some of the credit for keeping Rodgers upright, since Clements was able to keep him out of unnecessary deep-drops, and Rodgers was able to make the correct checks at the line. I absolutely love the commitment to the run in short yardage (and even a critical medium yardage down). Old school football gets me all hot and bothered. Eddie Lacy in the backfield certainly makes it easier to commit to the run, but I still think it takes guts to run between the tackles on third and 3. One good game down in my book for Clements, 18 more to go.

What I Didn’t Like:

Run Defense: Matt Forte is not that good. He really isn’t. Yea we were missing two of our starting defensive linemen, but there is still no excuse for allowing that kind of production in the ground game. I don’t think a single one of our linebackers looked good against the run, and that includes Clay Matthews. They need to show more patience instead of just crashing the line as soon as they diagnose a run. It was too easy for Forte to bounce it outside once the line got bottled up. It’s obviously a work in progress with this position group, and they’ve got a big test coming up next week in Marshawn Lynch. They can’t do much worse than they did on Sunday, so let’s hope they take a step forward next week. I’m just sayin, if we can’t shut down backs at the line of scrimmage, Adrian Peterson might actually kill our safeties. I wonder if there might be a Jake Ryan sighting sooner rather than later.

Third Down Defense: I harp on this all the time, but god dammit it’s really fucking important. The Bears went 11 for 17 on third down, but it sure felt worse than that. We could not get off the field in the first half, and it lead to a half time deficit against a garbage team. Giving up third down conversions tires out the defense, builds confidence for the offense, allows play callers to get in a rhythm, basically dictates the momentum of the game. Too often we came within inches of a sack, only to give up 12 yards after Cutler broke the pocket. We need more pressure up the middle next week to contain a more mobile quarterback.

On Andy:

Losing a friend hurts bad. Andy was a good friend always and a great friend when he could be. He was compassionate, loyal, and flat out hilarious. One time we were stocking shelves together at Pick-N-Save in Wales, and Andy decided he wanted to a take nap. So he built a fort out of paper towels on the bottom shelf, and crawled in behind it to go to sleep. To me it seemed like a lot of work to get out of doing work, but whatever. Anyway the manager Ken saw the whole thing and fired him. Another time Andy lit a bottle rocket off in his ass crack. Unfortunately his cheeks were too sweaty for the rocket to take off, so instead it just burned a hole through his boxers and pants and blistered his ass. I couldn’t think about that without laughing out loud for literally a decade. Andy was unique. He never judged anybody and treated everyone with respect. I think that’s the biggest reason he had so many friends. He didn’t care where you were from or what you looked like or any of that meaningless shit. To Andy, if you were cool, you were cool. As I said on Saturday, I’m going to try to take a lesson from Andy and live a better life in his honor. I’m gonna miss that son of a bitch like crazy.

Quotes of the Week:

“I don’t know, he said he was going to the Checker Public or something. Must be a place for retards or something cuz I’ve never been there.”

 – Andy Gronewold

“No, fuck taking a break. You’re going to be representing all of us when you go to college, so you have to be able to drink everyone under the table. You’re up.”

 – Andy Gronewold