Week Thirteen in Review

In what was almost certainly the most exciting Packers play in my lifetime that I didn’t watch, Aaron Rodgers completed his first ever successful Hail Mary. Richard Rodgers looked like an NBA center, boxing out the classically helpless Detroit defenders, ripping Lions fans’ hearts out with a squeaky clean catch. He turned around to face the defenders while the ball was in the air, and whether he planned it or not, I think it caused the defenders to focus their attention elsewhere. The throw was something else, sailing about 70 yards and a fucking mile in the air. Most professional QBs cannot make that throw; the list probably includes Aaron Rodgers, Joe Flacco, Jay Cutler, and that fat rapist out in Pittsburgh. It’s some measure of vindication for the Fail Mary in Seattle, even McCarthy couldn't hold back in his press conference. Road wins against divisional opponents are season changers, which makes the theatrics all the more impactful. We are now 8-4, poised to retake the division lead, two wins away from the magic nearly-always-playoff-guaranteeing-number 10, and headed back home to face a reeling Dallas squad. All that being said, I want to hear from whoever out there can honestly say they feel good about this team right now. I didn’t watch what should have been one of the most exciting sports-viewing moments of my life because the team was so frustratingly awful that I changed the channel and watched fucking Batman instead. I hate superheroes. I mean really, think about it, we beat the fucking Lions. The Lions suck. Not only that, we needed to recover our own fumble to put points on the board (lucky), come back from a 20 point second half deficit (unlikely), lateral three times on a laugher of a play (ugly), be handed an extra play after time had expired because of a penalty (Lions), and complete a 61 yard Hail Mary (super fucking lucky/Lions). The offense looks terrible and I just don’t get it. Richard Rodgers is the focal point? I’m glad he had a great game and made a great catch, but he is anything but great. And what the fuck is with our running game? Did we really just swap our third string back for another third string back, then give him the bulk of the meaningful carries in his first NFL appearance with Eddie Lacy and James Starks on the bench? What fucking sense does that make? That’s a panicky coaching move if I’ve ever seen one. If we make the playoffs playing the way we’re playing, it’ll be over quick. We need to get better because right now, and I really mean this, we’re one of the worst teams in the NFC. I’m not gonna say what I’m tempted to say about play calling, but I’ll just say I’m just sayin. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

Richard Rodgers: I mean he was awesome. He looked so comfortable on the Hail Mary, seemingly no panic whatsoever as he clinched an irrefutable catch to win the game in spectacular fashion. I really want to know if that little turn around he did was on purpose or just something he did. Even before the touchdown he was clearly the best player on offense throughout the game. He had seven catches on seven targets for 85 yards before the score, already doubling the production of any other pass catcher on the field. I’m honestly happy to see him have a game like this, and I hope it’s a sign that he’s progressing as a receiver, but this offense cannot run through Richard Rodgers. It just can’t. And don’t even get me started on Justin Perillo.

Sam Shields: Sammy is overpaid and not a good tackler and not the kind of veteran that will make the younger corners better, but he had a good game on Thursday. As usual he was tasked with following Calvin Johnson around all day, and held his ground to the tune of just three catches on eight targets. Covering Megatron requires more than speed (which Shields has to burn); it requires confidence, physicality, instincts, good ball skills, and a short memory. In my opinion, Sammy showcased the whole package on Thursday and earned his gigantic game check.

Mike Daniels: As always, the big man was a force to be reckoned with. No sacks, but consistent pressure up the middle and two tackles behind the line of scrimmage. He’s the best player in the NFL that nobody outside of Green Bay has heard of. Right now he’s the best player on our defense. Better than Peppers, better than Sammy, better than Clay, and ten times better than any other lineman I didn’t already mention. His contract is up after this year. I’m saying right now, Thompson is resigning this guy for big money. If he doesn’t re-up on one of the biggest contracts handed out this offseason, I’ll eat my hat. I will eat my fucking hat. Mark it down. Hat. Eating it.

What I Didn’t Like:

Wide Receivers: Alright I held out as long as I could, but you can officially put me on the bandwagon bitching about the receivers. Davante’s got the yips. He’s dropping almost everything (he had a nice catch on the touchdown, so let’s not exaggerate), and yet is still being targeted as much as anyone. He’ll get past this. Almost every receiver goes through this kind of slump, drops seem to come in bunches, it’s a confidence thing. Hey ‘Te? You’re good. Keep that head up player. Jones appears to be simply outmatched in most situations. He doesn’t have the physical skill set to have sustained success. His lack of production over the last six games (10 catches on 24 targets) proves that his six touchdowns in as many games to start the year was an aberration. I like the guy but he just ain’t that good. Abbrederis and Janis are frustrating non-factors that have the physical tools but can’t put them to use. I’m not expecting any production from them no matter the circumstances, at this point they are off the radar. Randall Cobb is the real quandary here. The guy looked like a legitimate superstar last year, and seemed poised to absolutely take over in 2015. Instead he’s had just one 100 yard performance, and has a 62% catch per target ratio, well below the league average. It’s not like I watch film or anything, but it really doesn’t seem like he’s commanding THAT much attention in coverage. Add to that the occasional amazing catch that he flashes, and his season to this point can only be described as an under performance. He’s frustrated, that much is obvious. He’s probably pressing and expecting too much of himself, which is probably hurting his performance, but the bottom line is that we need him to figure it out if we expect to go anywhere this year. The offense should flow through him. He’s our best skill player by a mile and we need him to play like it. Ok enough about the receivers. Also we have no deep threat.

Ball Security: Three turnovers is three too many, obviously. Ball security (and by extension turnover differential) is perhaps the most important statistic in any game that isn’t the final score. James Starks fumbled twice and realistically it should have cost us the game. His upright running style puts the ball at risk to be stripped, it’s almost like some sort of position coach should try to work with him on that in high traffic areas. The pick was a well enough thrown ball that Jones couldn’t hang on to. Drops lead to picks, it’s not uncommon, so let’s hold on to the fucking ball when we get an opportunity, mkay pass catchers?

Running Game: Now I don’t know about you guys, but I tend to think that 41 yards on 19 carries isn’t going to get the job done in January. I mean sure, Eddie Lacy had a solid performance, averaging 0.8 yards on 5 carries, even busting open a 2 yarder, but what about the other guys? If John Crockett is gonna be the bell cow that we all predicted him to be at the beginning of the season, he’s gonna need to stop tripping over his own linemen in the backfield. At least Starks only fumbled once every 4.5 times he carried the ball. Great overall effort guys, keep this kind of production up and Canton will have to open up a new wing just for this backfield.

**Bonus Quote of the Week**

“Do you not know that a multitude of your brethren die or suffer from need of what you have in excess, and that you needed express and unanimous consent of the human race to appropriate for yourself anything from common subsistence that exceeded your own?”

- Jean Jacques Rousseau

**Bonus Quote of the Week #2**

"Crack of dawn, all is gone except the will to be."

- James Hetfield, I guess

**Extra Points**

• Running back Alonzo Harris has been released, he'll likely be signed to the practice squad
• Eddie Lacy was apparently benched for missing curfew Wednesday night
• Rookie Jake Ryan lead the team with 10 tackles this week
• At one point four of the five starting offensive linemen were out due to injury, that is not good

Week Eight in Review

How bout we start this week’s ramble with a quote, mkay? “It’s a long season, and we’re still in first place. We’re not pushing the panic button. One win doesn’t make a season and one loss doesn’t lose it. Nobody likes to lose but maybe this was a good thing for us. We’ll come back.” That’s a statement made by an oddly shaped human named Vince Lombardi. He made that statement after the undefeated 1965 Packers got their asses kicked in Chicago. Like most years back then, the Pack went on to win the 1965 NFL championship. Anyway the point is we lost one game, who gives a shit? I mean really, we’re on the road, in the thin air at Mile High, against an undefeated team with a badass defense, and everyone is surprised we lost? Ok fine, it was a particularly ugly loss, but I’m not freaking out even a tiny bit. Our receivers are banged up and we lost two corners early in the game. Anybody pissed off that we didn’t trade for Vernon Davis? Go on, you can tell me. You are? Good. Now stop reading my blog and go read a text book because your dumb ass needs an education. You know how we built this team? The draft. And guess what, that’s half the reason we go to the playoffs every god damn year. Ok so I’m a little mad, but it’s just one loss to a very good team. Stop freaking out and just watch the receivers respond to the criticism next week. One of them is going off, you heard it here first. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

Demaryius Thomas vs. Demetri Goodson ... not ideal

Young Corners: So we gave up some production in terms of yards and catches (specifically a shitload of completions over the middle), but we were down our top corner and a nickel corner for most of the game. Demetri Goodson and Damarious Randall both came in and made some plays. Nothing more, nothing less. They were in a tough spot, covering talented wide receivers catching passes from a hall of fame quarterback. Experience like that is a big deal for young corners, and could really come in handy in January. Remember when Charles Woodson broke his collarbone in the Superbowl and Jarrett Bush made one of the biggest plays of the game in relief? Do you think Jarrett’s regular season experience prepared him for that difficult situation? It’s never good to lose good corners, but Sammy and Quinten will be back, and the young bucks got some snaps. It ain’t all bad.

(kicker size picture)

Mason Crosby: The Packers’ all-time leading scorer nailed a 56-yarder like he nails his most likely homely wife. That’s a long kick. We shouldn’t take for granted what a benefit it is for McCarthy to confidently send in the kicking unit from that distance. That kick kept us in the game at that point, when a miss would have given Denver the ball at their own 40 (we’ve been over this). It’s a big time kick and I’m glad he could do it in his home state, presumably with some family watching (kickers don’t have friends).

What I Didn’t Like:

Pass Protection: Not good. Not good at all. Rodgers was sacked three times and took seven hits. Those aren’t huge numbers, but he was clearly uncomfortable right off the bat. He was under duress all day and just had that weird look he gets once every other season when you know he’s just not feeling it. Even when he had time he was dancing around all weird and shit, unable to even hit his safety valve effectively. Obviously there’s a ton of factors (crowd noise, good pass rushers, snap count, etc), but the tackles have to do a better job. That was our starting offensive line. The same line whose collective knob I’ve been slobbing for weeks. That’s the best we’ve got, so they just have to do better. You can’t win games in this league if you can’t give your quarterback time in the pocket.

Pass Rush: I mean what was that all about? I understand that time of possession and an effective running game slow down the pass rush, but where was the fire? Clay Matthews and BJ Raji were the only two players showing any enthusiasm at all. I’m looking at you Julius Peppers, time to be a leader bud. You want a ring don’t ya? Well then pin those giant ears back, and pull your head out of your ass.

Aaron Rodgers: Ok I’m stupid, I’ll cop to that. But I can’t help but think that sometimes Rodgers is a little TOO careful. I kept wanting him to sling one downfield to whoever, but he never could pull the trigger. Is that a dumb thing to think? Probably. Did Rodgers have arguably the worst game of his career? Certainly. I love that he doesn’t throw picks, but there comes a time when you have to put the team on your back and try to make a play. It’s not about stats when you’re down by three scores in the second half. It’s about getting a fucking touchdown, NOW. If you don’t score, you’re gonna lose anyway, so why not throw up a 50/50 (or 30/70) ball? Give your guy a chance! An intercepted deep pass is often as good as a punt, so give er a go, eh?

**BONUS QUOTE OF THE WEEK**

“I suspect it is the same in all wars – always the same contrast between the sleek police in the rear and the ragged soldiers in the line.”

-          George Orwell (on the Spanish Civil War, a war he voluntarily left his home near London to fight in for the cause of Democracy over Fascism)

**EXTRA POINTS**

• The Packers have signed Justin Hamilton, a 315 pound undrafted rookie DT out of Louisiana - Lafayette, to the practice squad
• Sam Shields, Quinten Rollins, and Ty Montgomery are all considered day-to-day with non-serious injuries, all could play on Sunday
• Rodgers was pressured on 63% of his dropbacks on Sunday
• Rodgers averaged 3.5 yards per attempt on Sunday, the worst performance of his career

Week Five in Review

Are…are we a defensive team? The d-backs came up with four picks on Sunday, and ran one back for a score. We’ve given up 13 total points and hit the quarterback 21 times in the last two games. Our offense has struggled over the same span, turning the ball over and converting fewer than a 30% of our third down chances. Arodg’s much-celebrated interception free streak at Lambeau is over, and he should have been picked off three times on Sunday. Eddie Lacy ran for all of 27 yards on 13 carries, and our offensive line is banged up. Seems like we’re a defensive team, eh? Well we’re not. The defense is playing great and I couldn’t be more excited, but the team is still all about Aaron Rodgers. The offense will find its’ stride again soon, that much I’m sure of. In the meantime it’s god damn refreshing to win games when we’re not putting up 35 points a game. I seriously thought we were going to break Nick Foles in half. Aside from a long completion on an adorable little garbage time drive and a ridiculous completion on a fake fucking punt (Zook you mother f…wait, wait, not just yet), the Rams had 73 passing yards. This is not like what we did to Kaepernick last week, Foles is not a riotously terrible quarterback. The defense deserves a ton of credit for doing what they did, this unit might just be for real. Also Charles Woodson picked off Peyton Manning twice on Sunday. He’s now tied with Ed Reed for the sixth most career interceptions with 64. Rod Woodson is the only modern era player with more, but his mark of 71 is seemingly within reach for the ageless fucking wonder Woodson. He plays a beautiful style of football, I mean the guy is 39 years old. This has nothing to do with the Pack but it’s too god damn awesome to include as a footnote. Anything Charles Woodson does is front page shit in my book. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

Pass Rush: Three sacks is pretty good. Peppers and Matthews were on the board as usual, tallying 1 and 1.5 respectively. But we hit the quarterback 14 freaking times! Five different players hit Foles, and a few of those hits were vicious. There are so many reasons that hitting the quarterback is a good thing to do. For one thing, you could hurt him, which is terrific. A lot of quarterbacks get rattled when they’re taking hits; tempers flare, bad decisions are made, picks get thrown, all good things. Two picks and a touchdown were a direct result of hits on Foles, both plays that would have been sacks had he not chucked up hilariously doomed attempts. There are certain stats that if you see them on the box score, you don’t need to see anything else to know who won the game. If you hit the quarterback enough times, you are going to win the game. I don’t know what the magic number is, but it’s probably around 14. The offense was off and it didn’t matter because Foles was running for his life all day.

Ty Montgomery: He’s now stringing together good performances. Four catches on five targets including a touchdown, accounting for 25% of the Packers’ total yards receiving. He’s doing everything right and sure as hell looks like the kind of guy Thompson keeps around for six or eight years. His career is still in its’ infancy, but you basically can’t ask for a better start. This offense is incredibly complex even before Rodgers makes ten checks at the line (including a smirk or nod or some weird shit that these receivers apparently somehow understand), and Ty’s only had a few months to study it. To succeed this quickly is incredible. Clearly he’s producing on the go route in practice, since he’s now been targeted on deep balls in consecutive weeks. If he and Rodgers can get on the same page with that route, might be some shit nomsayin?

Interceptions: We had four of em and ran one back for a touchdown. That’s real good. Also I wish people would stop saying ‘pick six.’ The problem is that it rolls off the tongue so smoothly. Also it’s a devastating play that deserves its’ own moniker. I just feel like someone out there can do better than ‘pick six.’

Datone Jones: Datone Jones you ask? But he didn’t have a single tackle, you continue, only further elucidating your ignorance. Look a little past the stat sheet you fucking idiot! God damn if I combined the brain cells of all my readers it might create an organism intelligent enough to excrete. He blocked a kick and hit the qb three times and got a game ball you idiots. God. Everybody likes to shit on old Datone, mostly on account of his first round pick status, so I just want to be sure to give the man his dues when he has a good game. Of course that’ll probably be all he does this year, but whatever, he’s just a depth guy anyway.

What I Didn’t Like:

Ron Zook: If it’s not one thing it’s another with this fucking guy. The TV networks do this thing where a coach, for some reason that I can’t decipher, reveals an aspect of his game plan just before the game. Then the color commentator says, ‘Well Ian coach such-and-such tells me he’s gonna do blah blah blah and look at how informed and connected I am.’ Then the fans at home feel all warm and fuzzy like they’re somehow in the know, the networks shove in another 30 seconds of commercials without consequences, and Jerry Jones wrings his hands maniacally. Anyway the point is they’ve been doing this long enough that I know about it, which means teams know about it, which means teams have a guy watching the broadcast in an effort to gain an advantage, which means Zook knew the Rams were going to attempt a fake, which means he’s a shitty fucking coach that sucks at his job and should just go back to whatever retirement community we assisted him out of. Where are all the loud mouths constantly calling for Dom Capers’ head? IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS?!

Aaron Rodgers: Hey Aaron? What, ahhhh, what was that buddy? I couldn’t help but notice you throwing passes to the wrong team. What’s, ahhh, what’s the deal here? I’m gonna just move on from this, but let’s make sure we don’t do it again, okay? Good, glad we were able to have this little chat. Hit the showers Champ.

Jeff Janis: Fuck this guy. He’s a fixture in the ‘what I didn’t like’ category. How do you push that ball into the end zone on a perfect punt? It bounced backwards and was rolling backwards. It’s almost like the special teams coach has no idea how to do his job. Janis is a moron and if I were Ted Thompson I’d be this fucking close to cutting him.

**Bonus Quote of the Week**

“When we talk about morality, and when we talk about justice, we have to, in my view, understand that there is no justice when so few have so much, and so many have so little…You have to think of the morality of that, the justice of that, and whether or not that is what we want to see in our country. In my view, there is no justice when in recent years we have seen a proliferation of millionaires, and billionaires, while at the same time the United States of America has the highest rate of childhood poverty of any major country on earth. How can we talk about morality, about justice, when we turn our backs on the children of our country?”

- Bernie Sanders

**Extra Points**

• Aaron Rodgers’ streak of pass attempts without an interception at home ended at 586. That is insane and will likely never be done again.
• Myles White was promoted to Giants’ active roster and saw action on Sunday.
• Safety Sean Richardson suffered what appears to be a career threatening neck injury in practice last week. He’s been a key special teams contributor and has played a lot of snaps on defense for us. Hopefully his quality of life isn’t significantly impacted by the injury.
• Guard TJ Lang said via his Twitter account that the injury to his knee is ‘nothing serious.’ I really hope he’s right because he’s one of the most important players on this team.

Week Four in Review

That right there is how you start fast. Four wins, including two against 2014 playoff teams, two on the road, and one within the division. I have to admit that Sunday’s game was a boring one, but I’ll take a boring win every single time. The defense turned in an all-around impressive performance, albeit against an offense that would struggle to put up points against the Minnesota Lynx. That being said there are exactly ZERO teams in the NFC that have given up fewer points than Green Bay. The offense was efficient in their tedium on Sunday, averaging 4.9 yards per carry and committing zero turnovers. Imagine going into a game against the Packers. You just KNOW that Rodgers isn’t going to throw any stupid passes and give away possessions. So we have a quarterback that refuses to commit turnovers, a defense that’s tough against the run and gets to the quarterback, and a point differential that’s borderline unsustainable. Basically right now we’re really good. We’ve now exorcised two thirds of our NFC West demons, and if I were a Cardinal, I’d be worried. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

"Don't worry Kaep, I'll be gentle."

Defensive Front Seven: This unit produced six sacks, seven qb hits, 21 tackles, and two decent sack celebrations. It was great to see perennial disappointment Nick Perry record two sacks, and Julius Peppers continues to command attention. Joe Thomas is a fun little guy to watch out there, coming in on passing downs and recklessly throwing his body around as if it’s his only chance to keep his roster spot (it is). My boy Jayrone had another sack in limited action (I wish I was clever enough to come up with a nickname for him). Beyond putting the quarterback on his ass on passing downs, they held lil Kaepy to just 57 yards rushing. Sure he averaged 5.7 per carry, but he never rushed for more than 12 yards on a single carry. Anyone who has watched the Packers face rushing quarterbacks over the past few years knows what an accomplishment that is for Dom Capers and his defense. Great job setting the edge, linebackers, you’ll have to do it again in Carolina a few weeks from now.

Eddie Lacy: The big man is starting to get his stride going and it is fucking fun to watch. I absolutely love his running style, he just doesn’t care if you want to tackle him. I do get a little nervous when he’s fighting like a motherfucker for another yard or two, since that’s when defenses really go after the strip, but it hasn’t been a problem to this point. As the weather starts to turn cold, he is really going to show his value. Can you imagine trying to tackle this monster in zero degree weather? I don’t care who you are, it would hurt like a bitch. I’m not worried about his relative lack of statistical production after four games, he’s definitely the type of back that gets stronger and more productive as the season goes on.

Ty Montgomery: He’s the anti-Janis. He’s a young receiver that the coaching staff and quarterback clearly trust. They lined him up in the backfield on multiple occasions, had him running several different routes, handed off twice to him, and targeted him six times in the passing game. Now I know he had the one drop on the deep ball, and that’s not real good, but he did have a step on the defender, and Rodgers did trust him enough to throw the pass. I’m getting really excited about this guy and what he could develop into. With Cobb, Jordy, and Fish Hooks coaching him up as he goes, he may just be the next big thing for this receiving unit.

Aaron Rodgers: Just cuz he’s like, a super cool dude.

What I Didn’t Like:

Special Teams: Missed field goal? Okay, that happens. Two more penalties? That shit is not cool. I never really pay attention, but do other teams have this much trouble with discipline on special teams? Masthay could only muster a paltry 39 yard average on six punts, pinning just one inside the 20 yard line. It’s our weakest unit by a country mile, and I just don’t understand why we can’t get it under control. McCarthy was supposed to be more involved in this after giving up play calling duties, but what does that really mean? Does it mean that he just stands next to Zook when we’re punting? Ok, great job. Can’t he at least embarrass him publicly when we get flagged for a gunner lining up in the neutral zone (or whatever the fuck it was this time)? Special teams coaches are supposed to be miserable, that’s how this thing works. It’s called paying your dues, and that fucker Zook owes. This is the kind of thing that fucks you in the playoffs, I’m just sayin.

Third Down Efficiency: It was largely a function of pressure on Rodgers, but we converted just five of fifteen third down opportunities. It’s no coincidence that we also had our lowest offensive output of the season. We seem to be moving away from the running game on third and short, and I’m a little concerned that the trend will continue. I understand the whole, ‘they think we’re gonna run so we’re gonna pass’ thing, but you have to prove that you’re willing to run first. Stop out-thinking yourself on third and short Clements, just give the ball to that fat fucking running back of yours and let him run someone over.

**Bonus Quote of the Week**

“The Lions are a fucking joke.”

-          Tim Abair

Week Three in Review

How’s that for responding to success? I would liken it to my own admirable response to successful domination of the blogosphere. Take if from the Green Bay Packers and me, it’s tough to remain this consistent, this hungry, this humble in the face of all the accolades. The ten point final score differential doesn’t come close to painting an accurate picture of this ass-whoopin. Kansas City completed just two passes and did not convert a third down in the first half. Jamaal Charles had no success whatsoever outside of the red zone. Travis Kelce didn’t show his face until the game was out of hand. I genuinely felt bad for the Kansas City defenders trying to stop this juggernaut offense. We are an extremely well coached team with a deep, talented roster. If you don’t think Mike McCarthy is a good coach, and Ted Thompson is a great GM, then I have no time for you. That being said, we’re still in the first quarter of the regular season, so let’s temper the excitement a bit. There is no shortage of tough opponents ahead, and it starts this Sunday with the 49ers in San Francisco. McCarthy should have no trouble motivating the team for this matchup, all he needs to do is point out how much Colin “I’m Obviously a Muppet/Date Rapist” Kaepernick sucks against everyone except us. He is a shit QB and yet he consistently tears us apart. We’ve suffered some key losses to the 49ers recently, including in the postseason, so there is undoubtedly some pride on the line. I’m expecting a tough matchup, but looking forward to a Packers win to close out a perfect start to the year. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like from Monday night:

What I Liked:

Defensive Line: They looked like a pack of rabid animals out there. I mean god damn is Mike Daniels strong. He just tosses linemen out of the way like so many shipping containers at a Tianjian chemical warehouse explosion. I’m telling you guys there are like six people in the world that can consistently generate pressure up the middle, and Mike Daniels is one of ‘em. Did you hear Tirico talking about how he’s just a few credits away from a medical degree? And he can stuff the run? The guy is a rare find indeed. Daniels’ running mate BJ Raji is playing some absolutely inspired football. He’s finally showing passion and hunger to go along with his first-round talent, and I am loving every minute of it. He’s trending towards his first Pro Bowl berth since the magical 2010 run. Clearly Jayrone Elliot is among my millions of loyal readers, as he did indeed sprinkle in a few more tackles and even a sack yesterday. You gotta wonder if there might be something to this dude, I’m sure he’ll see his opportunities continue to increase. I guess that Pennel guy is alright too but shit, there’s only so many things I can pay attention to, alright?

Hitting: How ‘bout them hits we were putting on ‘em yesterday?! Clay Matthews obviously gets some sort of sexual thrill out of smashing people, and god bless him for it. His ferocity is genuinely unsettling and it was fun to see him coming off the edge a few times yesterday. The safeties had a couple of big pops, I believe it was Clinton-Dix that was flagged for what looked like a clean hit, but that’s the NFL these days. Damarious Randall did this (which reminded me of my favorite hit of all time). Nate Palmer deserves to be singled out for his tackling efforts, Joe Thomas (freshly promoted from the practice squad to replace Sam Barrington) laid down a couple of tasty licks, even Sammy Shields had himself a hit. I absolutely love the aggressive, angry style of football our defense is playing right now. If we can develop the kind of defense that opponents do not want to face…

Starting Wide Receiver Tandem: This duo of possession receivers executes their assignments flawlessly. Their route running is precise, their ability to gain yards after the catch is second to none, and their rapport with the quarterback is everything you want it to be. I am genuinely shocked at their ability to produce even after losing Jordy. Just when defensive coordinators thought they could safely double a receiver in this offense, James Jones shits all over them with four touchdowns in three games. Ted Thompson’s ability to draft and develop quality wide receivers is truly remarkable. It makes you wonder what Adams and Montgomery might have in store. Perhaps even bigger shits than what Jones and Cobb have already lain? I dare not speculate on such quixotic notions.

"Did you see that guy try and tackle me?"

Aaron Rodgers: How do you do it Aaron? How do you continue to knock my socks off each and every week? I mean how many different ways can you carve up a defense? Who do you think you are? Escaping the pocket in your own end zone, throwing five touchdowns on 9.5 yards per attempt, refusing to throw a pick at home for nearly three years, literally joking around during your pre-snap checks, it’s ridiculous. And those hard counts?! I’m tellin you. You just keep on keepin on you old Orange Bozo you. I ain’t mad at ya.

What I Didn’t Like:

I miss this guy.

Deep Threat: We have no deep threat right now. Seriously, think about that. Think about what a

huge part of our offense the deep pass has been during Aaron Rodgers’ reign. We attempted one deep pass during the game that did not occur on a free play, and the route sucked (see Jeff Janis below). It’s great that we’re having all of this success in the passing game, and it’s great that we’ve been able to adjust our scheme in the absence of Jordy Nelson, but it’s a must that we stretch the field on occasion. If we continue to rely solely on short and intermediate passes, defenses are eventually going to tighten down. Smart defensive coordinators will bring a safety into the box, press the wide receivers, shrink the passing lanes, and make life difficult for a team without a legitimate deep threat. The receivers have been great, but it just doesn’t look like Cobb and Jones are going to scare opposing defenses into keeping two safeties over the top. Let’s hope Davante can come back from this high ankle sprain and develop into that out-and-up/slant-and-go receiver that we need.

Jeff Janis: He’s the early favorite for ‘Player Most Likely to have his Balls Ripped Off by a Coach or Quarterback.’ Yeah he had two nice plays on special teams, but what the fuck was he doing on offense? I mean I understand why he was on the field, we’re thin at wide receiver, but what the fuck was he doing? On his early go route, he ran out of bounds. It’s probably fairly difficult to complete a pass to a wide receiver that has opted to run out of bounds. On the one catch he did make, he failed to get set before the snap, leading to a five yard penalty. Rodgers, sporting a look of unadulterated disgust, could be seen asking, ‘He wasn’t fucking set?!’ The guy lacks focus, and will quickly find himself unemployed if he doesn’t start doing the small things that every player is expected to do. Is he really more valuable than Myles White?

** Bonus Quote of the Week **

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

-          Ralph Waldo Emerson

** What was I Drinking **

Almond milk with cinnamon, ginger, turmeric, and honey. It was a long weekend.

Week Two in Review

This guy is like actually, for realsies starting at qb for the Bears

Well we are just two games into the season, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t the best start we could have hoped for. The Cowboys have lost Dez and Romo for a long time, Matthew Stafford continues to get worse every year, the Eagles are a mess, the Seahawks are 0-2, we’ve already won a divisional game, and the handsome gentleman to the right is starting at quarterback for the Bears. The fucking Vikings are our biggest competition right now, and they are awful. The defense most definitely rose to the challenge of a top tier running back, and Jimmy Graham (one of the most dangerous tight ends of all time as recently as last year) had one catch for 11 yards. The front seven was playing with some fire in their bellies, but responding to adversity has always been easy in the NFL. It’s responding to success that’s truly difficult for these guys, so let’s see how they respond to an uncharacteristically fast start. We’re the best team in the league right now, but again, it’s only week two. This was a quality win against a quality opponent, but there’s not a team on the planet that we aren’t SUPPOSED to beat at Lambeau. We did what we needed to do, now let’s go beat the shit out of Kansas City for ruining our 16-0 season. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

He's like a fat male Dee Reynolds

Special Teams: This was a much needed bounce-back game for our special teams units after last week’s penalty-laden cluster fuck. The penalties were cleaned up (I think completely), Masthay averaged over 46 yards per punt, both kick coverage units clamped down, and Crosby made some big kicks. Long field goal attempts are always huge plays in the game no matter what the outcome. Make it and you come away with points, miss it and you give your opponent great field position. Crosby’s 54 yarder in the first quarter was critical in my opinion, since we made it a two score game and didn’t squander excellent starting field position. If he misses that kick, the Seahawks take over at their own 40 yard line, instead we got three points and they started from their own 13 yard line on the ensuing kickoff. Mason’s two kicks in the second half from 44 and 21 yards were pretty clutch, and overall his 14 total points were the difference in the game. We didn’t get much of anything from the return game, but sure handed fair catches aren’t the worst thing in the world. Good job Ron Zook, now calm the fuck down on the sidelines you freak.

Jayrone Elliott: I gotta throw the young buck some love after the play of his life. He’s definitely a fringe player on this roster, and he only had one tackle, but his pick was the play of the game. It’s not all that often that you see a big man make a one-handed grab, and he even forced the fumble to ice the game on Seattle’s final drive. I’m sure Dom Capers would like to see him sprinkle in a few more tackles and maybe even a sack or two this year, but for this week he can say he belongs. Congratulations Jayrone!

Aaron Rodgers: He’s the best. He’s like Tom Brady but athletic. He’s like Russel Wilson but accurate. He’s like Charles Woodson but a quarterback. He’s like Tony Romo but good. He’s better than pizza. He should probably wear a cape. He throws a better deep ball than Brett Favre ever did. Was that a fourth quarter comeback? Oh I think it was. So maybe shut the fuck up all you, ‘Rodgers can’t engineer a comeback’ haters. You’re wrong, Aaron’s right, and I’m pretty sure we’d be great friends if someone would just get me his phone number.

What I Didn’t Like:

Yea right Dom

Read-Option Defense: You know, the play where they somehow always succeeded in isolating a single defender on the edge and forcing him to choose between the ball carrier and the trailing pitch option? You know, the play that kept fucking working so they ran it like a million times? I thought McCarthy said they had been working on defending that specific play. Why were they seemingly caught off guard time and again by a play call that my mother could have predicted? This is not Miami (OH) at Air Force, or Arrowhead at Rufus King for that matter, this is the NFL. There is no reason that the read-option should be consistently successful against any team in this league. Clean it up Capers, you and that rug are on thin ice!

Pass Rush: Okay it wasn’t horrible, we did have two sacks, but I wasn’t thrilled with it. It seems like we can’t get any pressure with our front four no matter who is on the field for us. Mike Daniels and Julius Peppers are seemingly the only two players capable of disrupting the pocket in a meaningful way. It’s great when a blitz gets home and puts the QB on his back, but it’s very much not great when a blitz doesn’t get home. That’s when big plays happen and games are lost. I’m hopeful that Letroy Guion can provide some kind of a spark in the front seven when he comes back. Plus Ron Zook is gonna blow a gasket if he doesn’t find a weed hook in Green Bay sometime soon. I’m thinking Letroy is his man.

** Bonus Quote of the Week **

“Men of courage, not satisfied with words, but ever searching for the means to transform them into action, men of integrity for whom the act is one with the idea, for whom prison, exile, and death are preferable to a life contrary to their principles, intrepid souls who know that it is necessary to dare in order to succeed, these are the lonely sentinels who enter the battle long before the masses are sufficiently roused to raise openly the banner of insurrection and to march, arms in hand, to the conquest of their rights.”

- Peter Kropotkin

** What Was I Drinking **

Paulaner Lager, Fernet, Malort, Rumpleminze, Russian River Consecration, Surly Furious, New Glarus Staghorn, and I’m pretty sure a couple cans of PBR.

** Extra Points **

• The injury to Eddie Lacy is not serious, he could return as early as Monday night this week.
• Jeff Janis has not played a single offensive snap this year. Not after losing our number one receiver, not after our number two receiver sprained his shoulder, not even after our number three receiver had to leave the game with a pulled muscle. What is this guy doing in practice that causes our coaching staff to so distrust him? We saw that he has the talent to compete in the preseason. I’m starting to think he must be either an idiot or an asshole.
• The Packers have placed Josh Boyd on injured reserve and promoted ILB Joe Thomas to the active roster from the practice squad.
• Myles White has been signed to the New York Giants practice squad.
• This is in poor taste...

Week One in Review

Life is better during football season. Sundays are no longer the days that should be great cuz we don’t have to do shit but actually suck because we have to go back to work in like, 16 hours. Sara actually accepts that I’m not doing anything on football Sundays. I won that battle years ago. What am I gonna do, dust some fucking shelves after nine beers? Please. Anyway Packers rule and the Bears still suck, obviously. Part of me was worried that all the talk about Cutler not beating the Packers and throwing critical interceptions and ruining the entire franchise might actually light a fire under his worthless ass, but that anxiety was misplaced. Cutler showed yet again that he just. does. not. give. a. shit. He’s just there for the massive paycheck and you know what? I don’t even blame him. I might do the same thing if I was him, I’m just glad he doesn’t play for my team. The Bears looked more disciplined than they have in recent years, and maybe John Fox can get this franchise turned around, but for now, the Bears are still our bitch. Thanks for two wins a year, losers. Here’s what I liked and didn’t like:

What I Liked:

I mean, was he playing with his eyes closed?

Pass Blocking: The O-line put on an absolute clinic on Sunday. I thought I remembered Rodgers taking one hit, but the official stats list ZERO HITS ON THE QUARTERBACK. I’ll tell ya, the Bears’ front office really hit the nail on the head when they decided to swap Julius Peppers for Jared ‘jesus-christ-look-at-what-a-fucking-moron-I-am’ Allen last year. Aaron didn’t have huge production in terms of yardage, but he finished the game without a speck of dirt on that uniform. He could literally wear it next week without washing it. If my job was to rush the passer for the Chicago Bears, I would be embarrassed. This is the first year since the stud line of Clifton-Wahle-Flanagan-Rivera-Tauscher that the entire line returned for a second straight season. I think continuity on the offensive line is the most important factor at the second most important position group. Let’s hope these behemoths can stay together for years to come.

James Jones: I’ll admit that I was not in favor of signing Jones last week. It’s not that I don’t like him, he was always a productive receiver and seemingly a good dude. I just thought that we’d be better served in the long run to give the young bucks their chance to show they belong. That may still be the case, but I can’t argue with JJ’s production on Sunday. Two touchdowns in his triumphant return was awesome, and a third TD was wiped out by a bogus holding call. His presence allows Cobb to stay in the slot when we go three or four wide, and he showed everyone that he isn’t just lacing them up as a decoy. I can’t really figure out why he’s able to produce since he’s not that physically gifted. My latest theory is that his LaDuke-esque giraffe neck allows him to see over defenders (and possibly through the time-space continuum), but for now that’s just theory.

Offensive Play Calling: Everyone knew the off-the-field relationship between Aaron Rodgers and newly-minted play-caller Tom Clements was good, but they appear to be aligned on the field as well. This duo deserves some of the credit for keeping Rodgers upright, since Clements was able to keep him out of unnecessary deep-drops, and Rodgers was able to make the correct checks at the line. I absolutely love the commitment to the run in short yardage (and even a critical medium yardage down). Old school football gets me all hot and bothered. Eddie Lacy in the backfield certainly makes it easier to commit to the run, but I still think it takes guts to run between the tackles on third and 3. One good game down in my book for Clements, 18 more to go.

What I Didn’t Like:

Run Defense: Matt Forte is not that good. He really isn’t. Yea we were missing two of our starting defensive linemen, but there is still no excuse for allowing that kind of production in the ground game. I don’t think a single one of our linebackers looked good against the run, and that includes Clay Matthews. They need to show more patience instead of just crashing the line as soon as they diagnose a run. It was too easy for Forte to bounce it outside once the line got bottled up. It’s obviously a work in progress with this position group, and they’ve got a big test coming up next week in Marshawn Lynch. They can’t do much worse than they did on Sunday, so let’s hope they take a step forward next week. I’m just sayin, if we can’t shut down backs at the line of scrimmage, Adrian Peterson might actually kill our safeties. I wonder if there might be a Jake Ryan sighting sooner rather than later.

Third Down Defense: I harp on this all the time, but god dammit it’s really fucking important. The Bears went 11 for 17 on third down, but it sure felt worse than that. We could not get off the field in the first half, and it lead to a half time deficit against a garbage team. Giving up third down conversions tires out the defense, builds confidence for the offense, allows play callers to get in a rhythm, basically dictates the momentum of the game. Too often we came within inches of a sack, only to give up 12 yards after Cutler broke the pocket. We need more pressure up the middle next week to contain a more mobile quarterback.

On Andy:

Losing a friend hurts bad. Andy was a good friend always and a great friend when he could be. He was compassionate, loyal, and flat out hilarious. One time we were stocking shelves together at Pick-N-Save in Wales, and Andy decided he wanted to a take nap. So he built a fort out of paper towels on the bottom shelf, and crawled in behind it to go to sleep. To me it seemed like a lot of work to get out of doing work, but whatever. Anyway the manager Ken saw the whole thing and fired him. Another time Andy lit a bottle rocket off in his ass crack. Unfortunately his cheeks were too sweaty for the rocket to take off, so instead it just burned a hole through his boxers and pants and blistered his ass. I couldn’t think about that without laughing out loud for literally a decade. Andy was unique. He never judged anybody and treated everyone with respect. I think that’s the biggest reason he had so many friends. He didn’t care where you were from or what you looked like or any of that meaningless shit. To Andy, if you were cool, you were cool. As I said on Saturday, I’m going to try to take a lesson from Andy and live a better life in his honor. I’m gonna miss that son of a bitch like crazy.

Quotes of the Week:

“I don’t know, he said he was going to the Checker Public or something. Must be a place for retards or something cuz I’ve never been there.”

 – Andy Gronewold

“No, fuck taking a break. You’re going to be representing all of us when you go to college, so you have to be able to drink everyone under the table. You’re up.”

 – Andy Gronewold